Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
NBA LEGEND MICHAEL JORDAN
A while back my favorite basketball player Michael Jordan got married
The headline said: “NBA Legend Michael Jordan Marries Yvette, 35”
That’s her name & her age, which I guess that’s what she’s bringing
to the table
I thought the headline was funny
I also think the marriage vows should be exchanged in the same fashion
"Do you, Yvette, take NBA legend Michael Jordan to be your lawful
And it’s just him on a jumbotron
She’s like “I do!”
"No Yvette, I don’t think you understand
Do you, Yvette, take 10 time scoring champion, 6 time NBA Finals MVP,
2 time NBA Slam Dunk champion Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiichael
He comes out in a breakaway tuxedo, high-fiving people down the aisle
Marv Albert’s there for the honeymoon
"Jordan, with the facial!"
Sunday, September 14, 2014
I saw a guy today
I was downtown at Westlake Center
I saw a guy wearing a taxidermy racoon hat
He had a dead racoon on his head
And then he had a cat on his shoulder
It was this feral cat that was hissing at everyone
It was terrifying
I think the cat was so scared because he was like
"Hey man, I don’t wanna be this guy’s next weird hat
Help me please!”
But he’s a cat, so all he could do was hiss at people
So no one did shit
They were fuckin’ terrified as well
I don’t get that
What kinda message are you trying to send to people with a
dead racoon on your head and a feral cat on your shoulder?
I like animals?
Okay, cool man
Get a shirt made, your scaring people Beastmaster!
Thursday, September 11, 2014
I bought a cock ring one time
It came with a condom
I found that offensive
They just assume that anyone who wears a cock ring isn’t gonna wear a
condom unless they step in
Which historically might be true but they don’t know me
They don’t know what I’m going to do
I’m glad that’s al they assumed about me though, is that I don’t practice
I’m glad they don’t also assume that I have poor hygiene
Or that I get depressed over the holidays
'Cuz that'd be a weird cock ring to buy
It’d come with a condom, a travel size mini toothbrush
& a 5-minute calling card so I can re-connect with my mother
And that’s not sexy
Unless you’ve been thru years and years of psychoanalysis
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
You guys see that movie Gravity?
Gravity is proof that Sandra Bullock is annoying, even when you put her in a
vacuum of space
They say sound doesn’t travel in space but she found a way!
That movie’s unrealistic, too
There’s no way she woulda made it back to Earth
I know women who get lost 5 blocks from their house
But I’m supposed to believe Sandra Bullock navigated her way from outer
space in a Chinese satellite?
No fuckin’ way!
Friday, September 5, 2014
Everyone’s a victim, nowadays
Have you noticed that?
Everyone’s blaming shit on their childhood
"Oh, I got bullied in high school"
We all got bullied in high school
Who didn’t get bullied in high school?
I’m from Los Angeles
I went to one of those Dangerous Minds high schools
You know what I’m talking about?
One of those schools where they send a white teacher
to rescue everyone and she ends up learning something, too?
Everyone got bullied at my high school
We sent a teacher home crying one time
No one killed themselves from bullying at my school ‘cuz they had to come
back the next day and finish teaching the class!
Monday, August 25, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
CITE YOUR SOURCES, WALL STREET JOURNAL
I like reading the Wall Street Journal
It is filled with facts and information, the sources of which are usually
For example, an article in the Business section of the Wall Street Journal
begins this way:
"Federal Reserve officials are entering a deepening debate about the
guidance they give the public about their interest-rate plans, an issue
likely to get attention at their next policy meeting Sept. 16-17.
Since March, the Fed has said in its policy statements that it doesn’t
expect to raise short-term interest rates from near zero for a “considerable
time” after its purchases of mortgage and Treasury bonds is completed…”
Then this information is augmented by quotes that end “two people
familiar with the matter said”
Two people familiar with the matter said?
Who are these people?
Can you give me any information about them other than the fact that
they’re familiar with the matter?
This is a slippery slope
Before long, the WSJ will be supplying references like this:
"a little birdie told me!" - potential Wall Street Journal news source
Or how bout this:
"a call girl who eavesdropped on the Senator from the other room reports"
- potential Wall Street Journal news soure
"homeless guy who panhandles outside the NASDAQ alleges that
between sips of Canadian Mist he heard so-and-so-say” - potential Wall
Street Journal source
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
18 requests from a complete stranger to play Candy Crush on Facebook.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Meet Shanti Mai
Shanti Mai is some sort of self-help guru.
I came across her pamphlet in the coffee shop I frequent (not a
The front page of her pamphlet says “Life is hard. You’ll need an antidote.
Fortunately for you, I AM your “auntie dote”
Nothing reassures me more of spiritual salvation than puns.
What is the biggest drawback to the Dali Lama’s doctrine? Lack of
I have read the Koran front to back and nowhere do we find the verbal
gymnastics displayed on http://www.shantimai.com/index.html.
It’s also comforting to know that
Most of Shanti Mai’s work is done via Phone Session. You can be
So for example, you can be in bed.
And by extension, so can Shanti Mai.
I wonder how much transformative work has been done by 2 completely
Reading her bio, I learn that “Years of daunting life experiences honed
Shanti’s skills, forcing her to trust her intuition.”
This translates to me as: “Before she changed her name to Shanti Mai,
Barbara spent over a decade in a failed marriage.”
I’m almost convinced!
If only there were some testimonials that I could read.
Luckily, Barbara (I mean Shanti Mai) is an intuitive clairvoyant and was
able to sense my trepidation.
“In a mere two sessions with Shanti, I gained more insight and
wisdom into my sadness, anger, fear, and love than I had in 10
months of weekly psychotherapy.”
What a glowing review of Shanti Mai!
Or, a damning evaluation of a shitty therapist!
Either way, if your life sucks I suggest laying in bed and talking to a
complete stranger about your innermost thoughts and feelings.
It worked for Charlie Comstock, Sequim, WA (see above).
Monday, August 4, 2014
Josh Green from King 5 News interviewed me about the tragic passing of
Saturday, August 2, 2014
MEDICAL MARIJUANA CARD
Marijuana is legal in WA state, if you have your card
I don’t have a medical marijuana card but I have a friend who does
And that’s pretty much the same thing
It’s working out
Thank you, Olympia!
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
I’m the youngest of 5 kids on my mom’s side
Also the late bloomer in my family
I didn’t have my 1st beer till I was 13
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Somehow Hari Kondobalu showed up in my Rick Ross YouTube search!
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
There seems to be a lot of signage in my apt. building
SPORTS FANS VS FEMINISTS
I was at a buddy’s house watching a basketball game
And this girl came in who I would describe as one of these frumpy
pseudo-feminists who are always complaining about rape culture & being
viewed as a sex object
And I wanna say to her “Hey listen, no one’s viewing you as a sex object,
Rape is something you’ll never have to worry about
Your the only one who keeps bringing it up!”
Anyway, she walks into the room where the game was on and goes
"Oh, I’m sorry
Am I interrupting something?”
And we’re like
"No, we’re just watching the game"
Later I realized what she meant was: “This basketball game is making me
uncomfortable. It’s like some sort of subliminal message that men
are better than women.”
And it’s not a subliminal message
It’s a pretty clear message
Look, he just dunked from the free throw line!
You ladies are back there shootin’ 3-pointers
Get it together
A lay-up is a last resort in our league