Tuesday, September 16, 2014

NBA LEGEND MICHAEL JORDAN

A while back my favorite basketball player Michael Jordan got married

The headline said: “NBA Legend Michael Jordan Marries Yvette, 35”

That’s her name & her age, which I guess that’s what she’s bringing

to the table

I thought the headline was funny

I also think the marriage vows should be exchanged in the same fashion

Like

"Do you, Yvette, take NBA legend Michael Jordan to be your lawful

wedded husband?”

And it’s just him on a jumbotron

She’s like “I do!”

Like,

"No Yvette, I don’t think you understand

Do you, Yvette, take 10 time scoring champion, 6 time NBA Finals MVP,

2 time NBA Slam Dunk champion Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiichael

Joooooooooooordan!”

He comes out in a breakaway tuxedo, high-fiving people down the aisle

Marv Albert’s there for the honeymoon

"Jordan, with the facial!"

Monday, September 15, 2014

RACOON HAT

I saw a guy today

I was downtown at Westlake Center

I saw a guy wearing a taxidermy racoon hat

He had a dead racoon on his head

And then he had a cat on his shoulder

It was this feral cat that was hissing at everyone

It was terrifying

I think the cat was so scared because he was like

"Hey man, I don’t wanna be this guy’s next weird hat

Help me please!”

But he’s a cat, so all he could do was hiss at people

So no one did shit

They were fuckin’ terrified as well

I don’t get that

What kinda message are you trying to send to people with a

dead racoon on your head and a feral cat on your shoulder?

I like animals?

Okay, cool man

Get a shirt made, your scaring people Beastmaster!

Sunday, September 14, 2014

COCK RING

I bought a cock ring one time

It came with a condom

I found that offensive

They just assume that anyone who wears a cock ring isn’t gonna wear a

condom unless they step in

Which historically might be true but they don’t know me

They don’t know what I’m going to do

I’m glad that’s al they assumed about me though, is that I don’t practice

safe sex

I’m glad they don’t also assume that I have poor hygiene

Or that I get depressed over the holidays

'Cuz that'd be a weird cock ring to buy

It’d come with a condom, a travel size mini toothbrush

& a 5-minute calling card so I can re-connect with my mother

And that’s not sexy

Unless you’ve been thru years and years of psychoanalysis

Thursday, September 11, 2014

GRAVITY

You guys see that movie Gravity?

Gravity is proof that Sandra Bullock is annoying, even when you put her in a

vacuum of space

They say sound doesn’t travel in space but she found a way!

That movie’s unrealistic, too

There’s no way she woulda made it back to Earth

I know women who get lost 5 blocks from their house

But I’m supposed to believe Sandra Bullock navigated her way from outer

space in a Chinese satellite?

No fuckin’ way!

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

BULLYING

Everyone’s a victim, nowadays

Have you noticed that?

Everyone’s blaming shit on their childhood

"Oh, I got bullied in high school"

We all got bullied in high school

Who didn’t get bullied in high school?

I’m from Los Angeles

I went to one of those Dangerous Minds high schools

You know what I’m talking about?

One of those schools where they send a white teacher

to rescue everyone and she ends up learning something, too?

Everyone got bullied at my high school

We sent a teacher home crying one time

Seriously

No one killed themselves from bullying at my school ‘cuz they had to come

back the next day and finish teaching the class!

Friday, September 5, 2014

CITE YOUR SOURCES, WALL STREET JOURNAL

I like reading the Wall Street Journal

image

It is filled with facts and information, the sources of which are usually

apocryphal

For example, an article in the Business section of the Wall Street Journal

begins this way:

"Federal Reserve officials are entering a deepening debate about the

guidance they give the public about their interest-rate plans, an issue

likely to get attention at their next policy meeting Sept. 16-17.

Since March, the Fed has said in its policy statements that it doesn’t

expect to raise short-term interest rates from near zero for a “considerable

time” after its purchases of mortgage and Treasury bonds is completed…”

Then this information is augmented by quotes that end “two people

familiar with the matter said”

Two people familiar with the matter said?

Who are these people?

Can you give me any information about them other than the fact that

they’re familiar with the matter?

This is a slippery slope

Before long, the WSJ will be supplying references like this:

"a little birdie told me!" - potential Wall Street Journal news source

Or how bout this:

"a call girl who eavesdropped on the Senator from the other room reports"

- potential Wall Street Journal news soure

Or this:

"homeless guy who panhandles outside the NASDAQ alleges that

between sips of Canadian Mist he heard so-and-so-say” - potential Wall

Street Journal source

Monday, August 25, 2014 Saturday, August 23, 2014
18 requests from a complete stranger to play Candy Crush on Facebook.

18 requests from a complete stranger to play Candy Crush on Facebook.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Meet Shanti Mai

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Shanti Mai is some sort of self-help guru.

I came across her pamphlet in the coffee shop I frequent (not a

Starbucks).

The front page of her pamphlet says “Life is hard. You’ll need an antidote.

Fortunately for you, I AM your “auntie dote”

Nothing reassures me more of spiritual salvation than puns.

What is the biggest drawback to the Dali Lama’s doctrine? Lack of

wordplay.

I have read the Koran front to back and nowhere do we find the verbal

gymnastics displayed on http://www.shantimai.com/index.html.

It’s also comforting to know that

image

Most of Shanti Mai’s work is done via Phone Session. You can be

anywhere.

So for example, you can be in bed.

And by extension, so can Shanti Mai.

I wonder how much transformative work has been done by 2 completely

inert individuals.

Reading her bio, I learn that “Years of daunting life experiences honed

Shanti’s skills, forcing her to trust her intuition.”

This translates to me as: “Before she changed her name to Shanti Mai,

Barbara spent over a decade in a failed marriage.”

I’m almost convinced!

If only there were some testimonials that I could read.

Luckily, Barbara (I mean Shanti Mai) is an intuitive clairvoyant and was

able to sense my trepidation.

Here’s one:

In a mere two sessions with Shanti, I gained more insight and

wisdom into my sadness, anger, fear, and love than I had in 10 

months of weekly psychotherapy.”

What a glowing review of Shanti Mai!

Or, a damning evaluation of a shitty therapist!

Either way, if your life sucks I suggest laying in bed and talking to a

complete stranger about your innermost thoughts and feelings.

It worked for Charlie Comstock, Sequim, WA (see above).

Tuesday, August 12, 2014 Monday, August 4, 2014

MEDICAL MARIJUANA CARD

Marijuana is legal in WA state, if you have your card

I don’t have a medical marijuana card but I have a friend who does

And that’s pretty much the same thing

It’s working out

Thank you, Olympia!

Saturday, August 2, 2014

LATE BLOOMER

I’m the youngest of 5 kids on my mom’s side

Also the late bloomer in my family

I didn’t have my 1st beer till I was 13

Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Somehow Hari Kondobalu showed up in my Rick Ross YouTube search!

Somehow Hari Kondobalu showed up in my Rick Ross YouTube search!

Saturday, July 5, 2014

There seems to be a lot of signage in my apt. building

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

SPORTS FANS VS FEMINISTS

I was at a buddy’s house watching a basketball game

And this girl came in who I would describe as one of these frumpy

pseudo-feminists who are always complaining about rape culture & being

viewed as a sex object

And I wanna say to her “Hey listen, no one’s viewing you as a sex object,

okay?

Rape is something you’ll never have to worry about

Your the only one who keeps bringing it up!”

Anyway, she walks into the room where the game was on and goes

"Oh, I’m sorry

Am I interrupting something?”

And we’re like

"No, we’re just watching the game"

Later I realized what she meant was: “This basketball game is making me

uncomfortable. It’s like some sort of subliminal message that men

are better than women.”

And it’s not a subliminal message

It’s a pretty clear message

Look, he just dunked from the free throw line!

You ladies are back there shootin’ 3-pointers

Get it together

A lay-up is a last resort in our league